I won’t say my life has become completely chaotic lately, but it has been incredibly busy.
My mother-in-law, a compulsive Anglophile, would be completely disappointed if she knew that I knew nothing about Princess Charlotte until she was, well, Princess Charlotte.
For the record, and to appease my mother-in-law, once I actually learned about Charlotte’s arrival, I did read a couple of online articles. Both featured pictures of Kate Middleton holding Charlotte in front of the Lindo Wing of St. Mary’s Hospital in London.
Apparently, the photo was taken only ten hours after Kate had given birth.
Ten hours – and Kate was wearing a designer dress and heels. Not only that, but she was wearing makeup. Seriously. Makeup.
Ten hours after I gave birth, I was still wearing a hospital gown and wasn’t even thinking about mascara.
That’s when I realized that I was never intended to be a royal mother.
The fact that I’m American is irrelevant. My genetics and family tree all lead back to England.
I’m simply not cut out to be a royal mum.
The signs are all there.
#10: Photos holding a newborn don’t require a makeup artist.
#9: Photos holding a newborn don’t require a standing position. Lying in a hospital bed (to indicate that the baby didn’t magically appear) is quite an appropriate pose for a first photo with baby;
#8: Photos holding a newborn don’t even require streetwear, much the less an extremely feminine dress. Giving birth is all the proof you need to demonstrate you are female.
#7: Your baby has a name before you leave the hospital. When my son was born, my roommate was held hostage until she finally decided on a name for her son. (She had four daughters whose names all began with A, and she had made the unfortunate decision to let them help name their brother. I honesty can’t remember if they decided upon Andrew or Austin.)
#6: No one places bets as to what you will name your child. When I was pregnant with my son, my husband and I made a decision not to let anyone know what we had chosen to name him. We wanted the choice and the opinion to be ours and ours alone. We told everyone that we were naming him Deuteronomy and would call him Deut for short.
Before our daughter arrived, we never even pretended to reveal her name.
#5 The names that you do choose for your baby have absolutely no historical meaning and are far too modern.
#4: Your baby doesn’t have multiple middle names.
#3: The first time the grandparents (or great- grandparents) meet the baby does not require a press release.
#2: The baby’s first home is not an estate, and the concept of a nanny is laughable.
And the number one reason that you know you were never intended to be a royal mum is that your children would never thrive under the public scrutiny.
Or, even worse, you would realize, like I do, that your children would be entirely different people if they had been required to do so.
Trina Bartlett lives with her husband, Giles Snyder, their teenage son and daughter, two cats and one enormous German Shepherd. When she’s not being a mom, volunteering, writing, biking or walking the giant German Shepherd, Trina works full time as a director at a nonprofit, social service organization.