Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Who…me?

Monday, April 7, 2014
No Gravatar

I recently wrote a short piece about ordering The Total Transformation Program after watching a 30-minute infomercial on TV. When the package arrived, I felt a pang of guilt, because my daughters are well behaved and they give us a world of happiness that I’m almost embarrassed to admit. They’ve done nothing wrong to prompt this research project, but I like to anticipate what may happen next.  I plan disasters you see, and I’m convinced teenagers turn into the spawn of Satan by the time they turn 15.

So, I’m preparing to dance with the devil herself.

As I cracked open the instructions (more demanding than a one room school teacher), I discovered that parents who order this disciplinary guide have serious troubles at home. If you have a rude, crude, obnoxious, violent, defiant child sleeping under your roof, then The Total Transformation Program better be on your bedside table next to the King James.  But what if your child (the age bracket begins at age five) has a couple of quirks — such as playing the victim too often, or playing the politician to say all the things you expect him or her to believe, just to get out of trouble?

I know.  I got scared, too.  I felt like I’d hired a lawyer to find potential lawsuits in my life. I didn’t have any problems when I sat down at the kitchen counter, but after I got up, I felt like we needed a family intervention.

But wait! There’s more!

So one of my daughters plays the victim and the other plays politics.  What about me?

Dr. Lehman, the Total Transformation Program therapist, reveals that I’m the biggest problem of all. ME!  In fact, it’s amazing that my daughters have gotten this far in life.

I’m a Perfectionist, a Screamer, and at times, a Martyr.  I tend to blame myself more than anyone or anything else (see Perfectionist), but this time, I’m taking Dad down with me.  He’s a Bottomless Pocket, Ticket-Punching, Savior.

Sticks and stones  may break my bones, but words will never hurt me…much.

THE BOOK, which is how I will refer to it from now on, suggests that our parenting roles are, at times, ineffective.  But if it ain’t broke, why try to fix it?

I may not fix it, but I can be aware of what works now … because it might not work later. I need to tweak how I manage the girls as they grow older.

This just might be the most important lesson for parents: Be aware.  Don’t be different, but be mindful of what we do (on occasion) that trigger behaviors in our children that we don’t like.  No, it’s not all our fault, but children learn from what they witness at home.  They take the best (and worst) of us wherever they go. We should at least be cognizant of our own weak spots so we can prevent tension and turmoil later on.

So, I’ve been humbled.  I opened the book (and the seven DVDs) thinking that I would read about other people’s problems.  Instead, I recognized all of us. There are no perfect children, and no matter how hard we work, there are no perfect parents.  The challenge is to find a way to solve problems without creating great divides in the relationships we cherish.

I bought the program after high school senior Rachel Canning sued her parents for tuition and living expenses despite moving out of the family home.  My daughters will not turn out like that kid, I said to myself. And they probably won’t.  But now I see that we could turn out like Rachel Canning’s parents if we don’t change our ways.

 

 

 

 

Infomercial Parenting

Friday, April 4, 2014
No Gravatar

total transformIf you read my blog posts – even every now and then — you know that I’m seriously afraid my daughters will turn on us. Well, me. It seems like most girls declare war on their mothers by the time they turn 15.  As of this very second, I have two sweet kids who respect authority and usually reject behaviors they see anywhere from the playground to Playhouse Disney. I couldn’t ask for better children, but now I’m asking for help to keep them this way.

Don’t borrow trouble, you may be saying to the computer. I’m not borrowing trouble. I’m paying for it in the form of $19 for shipping and handling fees. Yes, I ordered the Total Transformation Program after watching a 30-minute infomercial on parenting strategies to cure teenagers with terrible attitudes.

Oh, please, you may be saying to the computer. I’m out only $19 if this “help” turns out to be a gimmick.  As long as I return surveys after each lesson, I won’t have to pay the remaining balance of $109.  Trust me — I’m answering every question!

But how can I fill out the survey if I don’t have extremely defiant teens to test these theories? Let’s just say that I’m practicing preventive parenting. I want to be prepared in case we start to see signs of disrespect and disregard for house rules.

You can read about the Total Transformation Program here in The Mommyhood.  If the CDs and supplemental handbooks are all they’re marketed to be, I should have enough blog material to carry us from elementary to high school!

 

Hashtag Nailed It

Monday, March 17, 2014
No Gravatar

Every mother wants to be known for something. Perhaps it’s knitting, fly fishing, running marathons…or perhaps it’s being able to peel an apple in one long, perfect spiral like Tom Hanks’ wife in the movie Sleepless in Seattle. We want to be famous for having a spectacular talent — a skill that no other parent can match. I assume my girls think of me as “the writer” when someone asks what I do, but I write so often that they’ve come to ignore it.  I decided to find a new flair so my girls could brag to their friends and teachers with renewed excitement.

“Yeah, my mom makes a mean macaron!”

Macaron? Don’t you mean macaroon? Or, have you dropped off the ’i' in macaroni?

Close your mouth! Let’s start at the beginning.

Macaron

Macaron is a French cookie made with almond and egg whites that are sandwiched around a cream-based filling. They come in a rainbow of colors and flavors, such as buttered caramel and Irish cream.

Macaroon

Macaroon is the American word for a version of a flourless egg-white-based cookie. Most often made with coconut, it can also include nuts or nut paste.

mac vs. mac

Courtesy: Pinterest

In other words, one is much harder to make than the other. And expensive.  Tres chic, not very cheap. 

With a little time on my hands this past week, I decided to try these beautiful macaron recipes pinned on Pinterest boards. I’m drawn to color, so I became obsessed with these puffy little pastel cookies that whistled springtime. However, I thought I should cut my teeth on a slightly easier list of ingredients and procedures, so I settled for a salted chocolate variety that promised minimal tears and maximum approval.

Here’s a summary of that particular day in the kitchen, as recorded in Facebook posts:

8:28 a.m.  Off to Lowe’s I goes for tools.

9:32 a.m.  Step ONE: Purchase a new, baby blue KitchenAid Artistan Stand Mixer, thanks to an AuthorHouse royalty check for “Sellie and Sam”.  I shall name her Julia.

mixer

10:28 a.m.  Step TWO: Stop at Kroger to purchase ingredients for “Double Chocolate Salted Macarons”.  Search for almond flour and Celebri-Kitty, but cannot find either one.

kitty kroger

10:34 a.m.  Step THREE: Play Pharrell’s “Happy” song to remind myself that THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN. Then, search the internet for advice on substituting almond flour.

11:10 a.m.  Step FOUR: Return to Kroger after I learn that almond flour is stocked in the organic aisle. FIND ONE BAG left on the shelf (lots of macaron making today!), notice the price, and drive home to write another book to pay for it.

flour

11:16 a.m. This is major stress. I should have learned to ride a bike first. But no — I have to drive a stick-shift Ferrari.

11:27 a.m. …and if you’re wondering why I’m online, it’s because I’m waiting on three eggs to come up to room temperature. (Comment from a friend: Just run them under warm water.)

ingredients

11:36 a.m.  Step FIVE: Follow all instructions and worry about the humidity of the house, which is a cozy 67 degrees unless you’re standing beside the window, and then it’s about 50.

11:50 a.m.  ZUT ALORS! (Translation: THIS IS HARD!)

12:01 p.m.  Piping bag? WHAT? How about a gallon-sized Baggie? I have my limits!

12: 33 p.m.  “Pipe into circles. 25 total.” Oh. So we’ll have 6.

meringues

12:53 p.m.   “Bake at 350 for 14 minutes, or until little cookie feet appear.” Mine have toes.

1:34 p.m.  Step SIX: Wait for macarons and chocolate filling to cool, match tops of the same size (Yeah, right…); add a sprinkle of coarse sea salt, and let set.

Drumroll, please….

finished mac

#nailedit

1:57 p.m. Sing loud and proud!  BECAUSE I’M HAPPY!!!!

Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do!

pharrell and paul

Pharrell (and Paul)

That evening, I presented Mike with one delicate, airy, slightly crisp, slightly chewy, chocolatey, velvety, rich, French macaron.  “Mmm,” he mumbled, biting into the little sandwich iced with salted ganache.

“That’s a $400 cookie in your mouth.”

Mike choked and sprayed the counter with crumbs.

Two days later (when he was speaking to me again), I decided to try another batch of my famous macarons.  This time, I paid more attention to sifting and mixing, and I cut a smaller hole in the corner of the gallon-size Baggie to pipe petite rounds of “lava-like batter” onto sheets of parchment.  Following the directions like Martha Stewart and forgiving mistakes like Julia Child, I turned out 26 salted chocolate cookies instead of six.

But I don’t have any to show you. The girls ate them all.

Want to try it? Here’s the link!

http://foodnessgracious.com/2013/04/double-chocolate-salted-macarons/

Homemade take-out

Monday, March 10, 2014
No Gravatar
Right.

Gag me with a spoon.

As far as our family is concerned, the water crisis is over. We’ve been washing clothes and brushing teeth with tap water for weeks, but I do hesitate to drink a tall glass of our city’s H2O. If this isn’t considered “normal,” then I’ll edit my comment to say that it’s our “new normal.”

Another “new normal” is making lunches for our two children every day. At the beginning of the school year, I made a big fuss about our oldest daughter, who refused to eat cafeteria food.  I accused her of being a food snob, and then I fussed at her for being so finicky about frozen chicken nuggets.  She one-upped me by declaring herself vegetarian.

There’s a salad bar at school!

But since the water crisis (which we consider to be over), I’ve changed my school policy.  If they want a homemade lunch, then fine by me.  However, there are slight changes to the law:  1) The girls have to accompany me to the grocery store to choose their lunch items; and 2) They have to assemble those meals by themselves.

I spent a small fortune on plastic baggies at The Dollar Tree. Pinterest to the rescue! Crafty moms offered a simple, stylish solution:  A Bento box! Ever heard of it? I first experienced lunch in a Bento box at a spa in Scottsdale, AZ (many years before kids). My healthy fare was delivered in a little bamboo crate divided into 1/2 and 1 cup servings of bean dip, vegetables, some type of grain salad, fruit sushi, and dark chocolate squares.  I washed the delights down with an overpriced bottle of Perrier and felt like a million dollars — much like my restaurant tab.

Bento box-style lunches are very popular, especially if parents have picky eaters or those who like to play with their food.  I yell at my children for both behaviors, but I can see how much better they eat if the options are pleasing to the eye.  Now friends, let’s keep it real:  This mother will NOT cut shapes into sandwiches.  Why? Because I tried that when our first born went to kindergarten.  1) No slice of bread is ever big enough to cut into the shape of a heart; 2) I refuse to get up at 5:00 a.m. to make goofy sandwich faces with raisins and strips of red pepper. If you’re this type of parent, I’ll compliment you on being Mother of the Year, and then I’ll talk about you behind your back. Pinky promise.

However, I will say that if you have snackers instead of meal eaters, these stackable, washable, lockable lunch boxes are the way to go.  Pinterest also helped ease the stress of shopping by publishing grocery lists that break out grains, vegetables, fruits, and healthy desserts.  Can’t I do this by myself? Yes. Well, I used to, until our neighborhood grocery store decided to move everything around and make me spend two hours looking for hummus.

Bento boxes are available online through the Laptop Lunches website, or in somewhat generic form at Target and Walmart in the aisles stocked with leftover containers.  Brown bags and plastic baggies are quicker and easier, but they do start to pile up in the pantry and then in the trash can.  Bento-ware is also a fun way to control portions, Mom, in case you’d like to treat yourself to a spa day at home. It has to be cheaper.

Namaste!

 

 

Off-Beat

Monday, March 3, 2014
No Gravatar
I should've seen it coming.

I should’ve seen it coming.

I knew she’d ask me “that question” sooner or later.  I’d prepared for the moment, but when it happened, I stumbled. I stuttered. I stammered.  I’d practiced my response for months; rehearsed it in my journal.  I wrote down all the clichés that would make understanding appropriate for her age level.  I read multiple articles about this topic, and I bought a few books to help me understand how times have changed.

My 10-year-old daughter is going off to middle school next year. I’ve been told that I must address these delicate issues before she sets foot in this new place. But, I waited until she asked the question that I’ve been dreading.

“Mom, what if I don’t fit in?”

Gotcha! You thought it was the big birds-n-bees talk, didn’t you? But this conversation is equally burdensome for a parent.  What if your child doesn’t fit in?  Did you?

I didn’t at first. Seventh grade was an awkward time (that phrase is spot on) in which I wore a denim jacket with every outfit.  I grew out of Palmetto jeans (not Guess) every other month, and my hair was as shocking as the gap between my front teeth. A bad perm was tinted a terrible shade of orange thanks to a bottle of Sun-In highlight spray, and it wasn’t complemented by bronzing makeup that stopped sharply at the jawline. I looked weird.  I was weird.  I carried my mother’s old Aigner purse, for heaven’s sake.  Think I’m over it?

My daughter popped the question on my bed one night, when she should’ve been fast asleep.  She lingered a little longer that evening, bouncing a foot like she was kicking an invisible soccer ball.  “What is it?” I asked, closing my book.

She crossed her legs into some type of yoga pose.  This was going to take awhile.

“What if I don’t fit in next year?”

Mike walked downstairs to check the door locks for the third time.

“What makes you think you won’t?” I countered.

She shrugged her shoulders.  “I had a bad dream a few nights ago that I was walking down the hallway, and I didn’t know where I was going.  A group of girls started laughing at me, and then one chased me through all these classrooms.”

I shuddered.  Dear God, that would scare anyone.

“And I couldn’t get away from her.”

My overly-analytical parenting style forced me into thinking that she was dreaming these horrible things to try to deal with deeply-rooted worries.  It was her mind’s way of bringing a problem to the surface (I guess). This also explains why she’s been in my bed for the last few mornings, watching the alarm clock.

“Are you treated that way now?” I asked.

She shook her head no.  I then asked how much TV she’d been watching, or if her books were too old for her.  She shook her head no again. “I’m reading about Jackie Kennedy,” she said. Well that Ethel could be a real bully, I joked.  She didn’t laugh.

“You’ll fit in because you and 50 other kids from your school are headed in the same direction,” I began.  “They’re not breaking off from the mix just yet.  But most of them are involved in something — dance, soccer, softball, gymnastics — which will make the first days of school a little easier,” I admitted.

Choosing to be uninvolved has ramifications. Inaction has consequences, too.  “These kids have been going to practices for years,” I warned her.  “So it’s a little late to start something truly competitive,” I said.

After reassuring her that she would have the best years of her life because of a friendly personality, a kind heart and a generous spirit, I shared my worries with a friend as soon as she got out of bed the next morning.

“She is an introvert,” I told her. “She holds back, and we might’ve encouraged it to keep her safe.”

“Then you know what, Katy?” my friend began, in a slightly edgy tone (which scared me).  “That’s when she picks up an instrument and she joins the band.”

I sat there for a moment.  I was in the band. I played the flute (because my cousin did), and then I switched to the saxophone (because my friend did), and then I tried out for the majorette corps (because my cousin and friend did).

“Since kids aren’t introduced to marching band until sixth grade, it doesn’t matter that she’s never had a lesson.”

I perked up.  THE BAND!

Why didn’t this occur to us?  She’s already a student of the Magnet School of Music at West Side Elementary.  Why wouldn’t she continue this interest? THE BAND!

That night (on my bed), I asked our girl what she thought about learning to play an instrument. Flute? Clarinet? Sax?

She curled her lip.

“Well, you have to do something,” I snapped. ”That’s my new rule.  I don’t care if you run cross country or join the debate team, but if you’re worried about fitting in, then you need to find a group that will be a positive influence.”

“Oh no, it’s not that,” she exclaimed, fanning her arms in my face.  “I think I know what I want to do.”

I waited.  She smiled.  Then she laughed.  She tipped over on the bed and giggled some more.

“I want to play the drums.”

After a match of “No, you don’t” and “Yes, I do”, I withdrew from competition.  “You’re serious?” I asked.

“Yes. I want to play the drums and then the xylophone.”

“We’ll support you, but you’ll stick with it,” I replied, shocked that a book about Jackie Kennedy would be replaced by a biography of Ringo Starr.  A similar worry set in. Classmate reaction could go either way. Kids are so critical, especially of those who do something unusual. Fitting in and blending in aren’t exactly the same types of acceptance.

“I’m pretty sure that a tall girl with long, blonde hair and blue eyes pounding on a snare drum will most definitely stand out,” I said.

She never lost her smile. “And you and Dad can sit in the stands and watch!”

With bells on.

Just a moment

Monday, February 24, 2014
No Gravatar

It was one of those mornings.

My girls were waiting out another 2-hour school delay despite roads that were clearer than they had been all week.  The dogs were barking to hear themselves woof, and the cats were fighting through the laundry room door.  I was preoccupied with innocent giraffes, the quality of water, the threat of more snow, and the loads of laundry heaped into mountains. Our youngest daughter then reported symptoms of some type of disease (“My head hurts when I cough and that makes my ear ache and then my throat cracks.”). My other daughter panicked that she might’ve finished the wrong Math workbook page. A stack of overdue library books collected dust on the stairs.

I stood at the front door, waiting for the car to defrost. It’s against the law to leave a car idling without a driver in the front seat, but I didn’t care. Arrest me, please. It’ll be a vacation. I caught a harrowing glimpse of myself in the hall mirror.  My skin was a dull yellow color. Not quite yellow jaundice, but close.  I looked tired, even though I had slept like a log the night before.  My hair, newly colored, looked like I had slept like a log the night before.

After driving my daughters to school and wishing them well in their half-day ahead, I came home and treated myself to more misery:  potato chips and French onion dip for breakfast. Leftover birthday cake for lunch.  A Diet Sun Drop soda for a mid-afternoon snack.  A handful of Skittles to make my stomach forget about dark chocolate frosting. I watched an hour of Olympic coverage that featured every country but the USA, and then I read depressing articles about unwanted animals taken to a local shelter. I fed my dogs pepperoni rolls to bribe them indoors.  I’d pay for that later.

Later.  That means I’d set myself up to stay miserable when the dogs get stomach cramps and threaten to ruin our wood floors.

WHY, WHY, do we do this to ourselves? When life is messy — not really bad…just frustrating — why, oh why, do we insist on punishing ourselves even more? Why do we belly-flop into a pool of bad choices just because we’re in a foul mood?

It’s called self-sabotage.  Women are particularly good at it. I’m in contention to win the gold medal.

Experts say there are several signs that mothers, in particular, are in self-destruction mode. The number one behavior is….

1) Wild eating: Instead of uncovering a problem and dealing with it, women cover it up with potato chips, dip, chocolate cake and a diet soda. Emotions are stuffed away — literally — with food.  In my situation, I was angry about something I had read on Facebook.  Instead of posting my outraged thoughts, I quieted them through the gnashing of teeth as I crushed chips into dust.  The healthier behavior would’ve been to write down my rant in private, and then rip it to shreds. But no, I ate a half-pound of Lays.

2) Pausing:  Two-hour school delays rewire my brain into thinking the day is shot. I can’t do x, y, or z because the girls will be home until 10:15.  I’ll have to pick them up at 2:45, so what’s the point in starting anything? In the MONTH the girls weren’t in school due to snow, wintery temperatures, chemicals in the water, and a holiday that I’ve already forgotten, I became a bit of a vegetable (since I wasn’t eating one). Experts preach that procrastination is the gap between good intentions and actual activity. But doing things now means mental clarity later. Get on it!

3) Hiding: I’m certainly not going to impress anyone with yellow skin and flat hair. Since laundry procrastination had prevented the donning of clean khakis and a pretty top, I opted to stay home and eat junk food in the warmth of a ratty sweatshirt and yoga pants. Not that I had any intention of doing yoga.  But when we dumb ourselves down, or refuse to fix ourselves up, we get into a mindset that potato chips and cake don’t really matter. We’re already a mess.  Instead, we should put some energy into our appearance so that we trick ourselves into feeling confident.

4) Fascination:  After my letter to Mark Zuckerberg about the “Look Back” video that made fall in love with Facebook all over again, I realized that my addiction to everyone else’s news often ruins my day. More than often, it clouds my judgment. I’ve always been hooked on news, but someone’s political rant isn’t news. It’s just someone else’s problem that I’ve allowed myself to become a part of just by reading it. Like alcohol and drugs, like hoarding and compulsive shopping, an addiction to social media makes otherwise strong people (women) doubt themselves. Someone’s perfect-looking kitchen makes us hate our whole house. Another person’s gourmet meal makes our children appear neglected.  Someone’s dream vacation makes our day trip to the Huntington Mall feel like punishment.  Health experts remind us that stepping into other people’s lives can ruin our own. Unplug.

So what’s the answer? Why are women – mothers - their own worst enemies? Those same experts say it’s because we’ve lost sight of the big picture. For years, we’ve been instructed to live in the moment. But now, it seems like an immediate reaction could lead to a lifetime of regret.

 

 

 

 

 

Snow what?

Monday, February 17, 2014
No Gravatar
olympic rings

Looming for art and social studies.

In the past two years of serving on academic committees, I’ve been pelted with the same question:  “Katy Brown, don’t you care about your child’s education?”

With your No. 2 pencil, fill in the bubble “YES”.

The long answer, in essay format, is written below:

I’ve been well known to irritate people for a laissez-faire attitude and leadership style.  Things will be OK.  Everything will work out. Just calm down.  This is a strange personality trait considering how much I worry and fret. But when it comes to my children’s education, I don’t panic. I’m teaching two elementary school-aged daughters to do the same thing:  Don’t wring your hands. Use them.

When we were sitting at home watching seven inches of snow fall in the same amount of hours, a number of learning opportunities popped up.  Olympic coverage was on NBC stations, which we observed with interest.

Where is Sochi?  Let’s look it up.

Why is it snowing on the mountain but not on the ground?  Let’s look it up.

Why do Americans not like Russia? Let’s look it up.

Where will the summer Olympics be held?  Let’s look it up.

Why do winners bite their gold medals? Let’s look it up.

Why does that man have red, swollen eyes?  Let’s look it up.

In one snowboarding competition, we learned that Sochi is really a tropical area of Russia, where snowcapped mountains overlook green palm trees.  Despite those 60-degree temperatures in February, we learned about The Cold War.  Much to my youngest daughter’s excitement, we discovered that the next summer Olympic games will be hosted by Brazil (and Rio 2 will be in theaters on April 11). Finally, as my daughter slurped back two teaspoons of Tamilfu, we learned all about conjunctivitis, Bob Costas and the Center for Disease Control.

We covered social studies, science, math and health all in an hour.

After that, we shoveled snow.

Is it true that no two snowflakes are alike?  That’s what scientists say, but let’s look it up.

This is hard work! My arms are tired!  It’s good cardio exercise.  Look it up!

Is this the type of snow that we can use to make a snowman?  (You know the drill….)

And in that hour, we learned about microenvironments.  A snowflake begins to form when water vapor condenses around a speck of dust high in the clouds—more than six miles (ten kilometers) high—and then crystallizes.  (Yes, I had to look that up.  Credit: National Geographic)

When we came inside — for lunch made with bottled water — I told the girls that I didn’t care what they read as long as they had a book in their hands. Fascinated by British culture, my oldest daughter read from “Who was…Queen Elizabeth” and “Who were …The Beatles” books.  Our youngest one read from the Baby Mouse series – “Skater Girl” and “Mad Scientist”.

Then…a surprising twist:  A text message appeared on my phone from Ava’s fifth grade teacher.  “For every day of school missed, students are required to complete activities online for math and reading.”  Achieve 3000 is a website filled with lessons that cover grammar, reading comprehension and writing assessments.  Math links cover estimates and decimals.  And, they had workbooks and textbooks in their backpacks.  They could read ahead, or in the case of our daughter who lost two more days due to illness, she could read again.

It was a full day of indirect study, but the girls stayed busy. It was mandatory. I had multiple deadlines to meet, including a series of press releases that needed to be translated from European styles to American linguistics and publishing formats.  Just because I work from home doesn’t mean I can blow off time.  As a parent, there are no sick days.  As a self-employed worker, there are no snow days.  If I don’t bill clients, I can’t pay my bills.

After a month of missed classes, I admit that I’m tired of the uncertainty, and I’m frustrated that we haven’t been on schedule since the beginning of November. I have my own concerns about year-round school and how 180 days of instruction are worked into the calendar. I do have strong opinions about standardized testing and Common Core curriculum.  But what I don’t worry about is what my daughters are missing during cancelled days due to icy roads and smelly water.

Now, I know that not every child has this type of support at home. There are critical issues to deal with such as adequate supervision, proper nutrition, enrichment learning and preparation for the next grade level. Children should be in school.  But when they aren’t because the central office says they can’t, then we as parents have to accept a little more responsibility.

What makes me so smart? I’ve got all the answers, huh? Hardly. I make more mistakes than you’ll ever know about. But I do know that an academic state of emergency requires individual problem solving. This is the time when parents are tested.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two thumbs up

Monday, February 10, 2014
No Gravatar

facebook loveFacebook, you’ve done it again.  To quote The Godfather — Michael Corleone — “Just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in!”

I stopped boasting on Fakebook three times in the last six years.  Most often, I thought I was spending too much time online and not enough time with my daughters. I gave it up for Lent, and then I gave it up after being creeped out by hackers and other types of scary people. Techie types predict that Facebook will lose 80% of its users, and much has been reported about teens seeking other places to “communicate”. But this past week, Mark Zuckerberg and friends found a way to worm their way into hearts again.  Facebook’s creators gave users a look back at family and fun with instrumental music that resembled the “In Memoriam” tribute at the Oscars.  Yes, I cried.

It all started in 2008 when I needed information about my high school class reunion.  From that moment on, I was addicted.  Hooked.  Helpless. Hopeless. After about a year, Facebook became a professional development tool, and 100% of my company’s profits stemmed from relationships forged on the social network. After that, it became a place to scrapbook my children’s milestones.  Today, it’s where I promote this blog and rowdy, random thoughts.  Much to my husband’s irritation, some of my rants and raves turned our family into a reality show in print. For all of its faults (privacy standards, to be specific), I have to admit that Facebook is my “water cooler” during the day when I’m working from home and the only noise is the furnace blowing hot, dusty air  — or my faucets flushing MCHM from the pipes.

Facebook is an introvert’s best friend.  You can stalk or talk.  It’s your choice.  But you’re always in the invisible presence, so to speak, of a 100+ people.  Most of these “friends” were in our lives for a very short time a long time ago.  But those relationship labels tend to disappear, too.  It’s a 24-hour party, should we choose to attend. Someone will always be there.

Now here we are in 2014, and Facebook has taken me on a lovely little walk down memory lane. Life’s best moments were sprinkled in moving images: My daughter’s Rainbow Loom designs; my cat drinking out of a Solo cup during the water crisis.  My husband (looking quite handsome I must add), smiling  with his two little girls at the Greenbrier during Christmas break.  A picture of myself holding my first born, and then my first book — which I have to say was easier to bring into the world. Finally, the comical moments of identical anniversary cards, of celebrity crushes, of favorite rock bands, of good luck and bad hair days.

But the best part was getting to the very end of the minute-twenty video and finding the simple blue hand signaling that Facebook liked it.

 

 

 

What’s in the medicine cabinet: Generic miracle workers

Friday, February 7, 2014
No Gravatar
Turned on to a knock off.

Turned on to a knock off.

In keeping with my new year’s writing resolution to develop more blog posts that could actually help other mothers, I’ve decided to write a few shorter pieces related to food, beauty, fashion, and whatever else catches my attention.  For example:

What’s in my medicine cabinet?

What’s in my kitchen pantry?

What’s in my closet?

What’s in my makeup bag?

These little posts aren’t to show off what I’m buying, using, eating or wearing.  The goal is to share little discoveries that might help or bring happiness to your daily life, too.

Focusing on WHAT’S IN THE MEDINE CABINET, I’ll ask you to flip back a couple of weeks to a post I wrote about hormonal acne.  My tweenage daughter and I are suffering from different types of breakouts, but we’ve been spared some of the agony and embarrassment by products made by Rodan and Fields, the creators of Proactiv and Unblemish.

The problem is that both kits can become extremely expensive if you should need the products longer than a couple of weeks or months. But, I was able to save about $30 for the three-step Proactiv set by picking up a generic kit at Walmart for $11.

I’ll be the first to admit that I question generic brands, because I’m convinced that name brands contain an ingredient that the off-brand does not.  But, for $11, I decided to take a risk and give the fake Proactiv a shot.  So far, the Equate cleanser, toner, spot treatment and mask work like a charm.

I haven’t been able to find a generic version of Unblemish, but in time, I’m sure someone in the cosmetics and skincare market will crack the code to stubborn middle-aged acne.  But at least I know it won’t cost a fortune to banish my daughters’ blemishes over the next few years.

Note: Katy Brown was not paid to use or to endorse any of these products or services.  As her husband will tell you, she buys everything.

 

 

 

 

 

What’s in the kitchen pantry: Sweet and low priced

Friday, January 31, 2014
No Gravatar
Beauty and the beast.

Beauty and the beast.

During the crisis that left 300,000 West Virginians without tap water, I began making mental notes about the products I use and the ingredients I eat or drink.  I started this little internal survey after opening a box of facial lotion and reading the active and inactive substances that are supposed to make me look 10 years younger.  I held up the box and told my husband, “This may be a good example of the pot calling the kettle black.”

I color my hair three or four times a year, and I bleach my teeth every six months.  I’ll rub an apple on my shirt and then take a huge bite out of it, and every so often, I’ll sneak a few grapes out of the bag and eat them…unwashed. Last summer, my daughter got a chemical burn from swimming in a local pool that had just been treated with a sizable load of chlorine to make the water crystal clear. But our worst offense, one that makes every cancer survivor wince, is the amount of artificial sweetener poured into our glasses of iced tea and mugs of hot coffee … every day.

I know. This stuff has been reported to cause cancer in lab rats, yet I rip, pour, stir and sip anyway.  But I’m trying to do better for myself and for my family, so I’ve taken to the Internet and to culinary magazines to find a solution that won’t sacrifice taste or our lives.

It’s called….agave nectar.

This amber liquid, a type of syrup, is expensive.  This is probably the reason why I’ve ignored it on grocery store shelves.  However, celebrity chef Giada DeLaurentiis swears by it, and if she can wolf down bowls of pasta and chase it with cups of sweetened cappuccino, then I’ll have what she’s having.

During a recent shopping trip, I rediscovered gourmet foods and spices at Home Goods in the kitchen department. I used to walk by these shelves and assume the food was old or so bad the stores had to ship products to outlet centers for a quick sale.  I learned that most of these items are simply overstocks — it’s perfectly good and well within “best by” dates.

And whaddya know? Home Goods at the Shoppes at Trace Fork sells all kinds of agave nectar! Cheap, too!

I forked over $2 and change for a pretty bottle of sweetness and raced home to try it in a cup of Starbuck’s Mocha.  I wasn’t sure how much to use, but the famous chef from Italy tells us to use “just a little bit — just a drop to sweeten it up.”  So I squeezed just a little bit, swirled a spoon to release the color from jet black to chocolate brown, and then I sipped. I waited.  I sipped again.

Maybe just another squirt.

A few seconds later, I had used half the bottle.

Agave nectar may be called “honey water” by our friends in South America, but this girl from Charley West calls it Karo syrup. Conscious consumers rightfully feel better about using natural products as opposed to “packets of poison”, but experts say a dollop of agave contains 60 calories. White table sugar contains 40 calories.  Perhaps less is more.