I am here to introduce you to the wonderful world of wiener dogs.
As a member of a family that has owned the beautiful breed formally known as the Dachshund, I will tell you from the start that I have born witness to more cute conniption fits than any normal person should be put through. This is the nature of the doxie, and thus the reason why we keep so many spare paper towel rolls and a bottle of carpet cleaner around in case our little bundle of energy gets too excited all over the floor or on someone’s lap.
This has been my plight for the last two years. Every time I visit my home of Tucker County the first thing I’m confronted with is the fear of being urinated on by the small animal we’ve come to know as Gracie Mae as I pull into my driveway.
And on Saturday, I was surrounded by 80 to 100 of these little buggers at the fifth annual West Side Wiener Dog Race.
No single area should be permitted to have that much adorable activity happening all at the same time. You should have seen it, every time you turned around another bout of nose-t0-snout “hello, how are you?” was going on in this cornucopia of wienerdum. There were wieners there of all shapes, sizes, colors, and mixes. One by the name of Buddy still holds a particularly special place in my heart as the fattest wiener I have ever encountered at 12 years old and so wide his belly dragged the ground as his little legs carried him over the finish line.
While they dominated the attention of the day, Doxies weren’t the only pups on hand on Saturday. Someone managed to sneak in a huge Greyhound in one corner and I’m pretty sure I saw what could have been a hairless rat in another. Or maybe that was a Chihuahua… Either way, most of the wiener dogs were having none of it as though to say “Hey, this is my day, pal. Go back to Mexico or where ever it is that you came from.”
It was indeed a day for wieners on parade. After the fetch competition it was time for us owners to do something all wieners have come to hate: Dress them up in ridiculous outfits. Yes, it was time for the costume parade. I was a bit worried Gracie might throw one of her infamous temper tantrums as I pulled the little cowgirl dress over her sleek coat, but that concern flew out the window when I realized as soon as we put any sort of clothing on her she freezes in an intense display of total and complete misanthropy. But hey, at least we didn’t follow through with our original plan to dress her up as the West Side’s own Representative Weiner complete with a tiny cell phone and gray jockey shorts.
No, someone else took care of that duty for us. Disgraced Weiners aside, there was also a wiener Slash and another wiener that had a large display of black plumage coming from its rear end. A Feather Wiener, if you will. We also bore witness to her highness the Princess Beatrice Wiener complete with the now famous pink toilet seat hat she wore to the royal wedding. It was later found that the princess was a boy wiener named Sampson. I felt rather cheated there for a minute, but that was before it was announced that Gracie was chosen as the best overall female wiener in the costume contest. It was a great day for the Grace monster in her little red and blue cowgirl dress that was removed as soon as the pictures were taken and our $25 prize was secured.
Let the record show that I will never wear a cowboy hat again after Saturday. Ever.
After her big win, Gracie was a bit pooped, so we took her to cool down in front of a large fan that was running. The fan happened to be nearby the booth where there were a few dogs and cats up for adoption. I’ve been fiending to adopt a kitten for the longest time and basically had to be dragged away from a little black beauty in one of the cages. Hey, if you’ve got the time, go here to check out some of the great animals up for adoption at the Kanawha/Charleston Animal Shelter. There might not be any wieners available right now, but I know they have a friendly little guy with three legs that needs a good home.
It was then time for the big event. *Cue the Rocky theme* (Yes, they actually played this before the wieners raced.) Anyway, the heats were divided up into four divisions based on age. The seniors were up first with all the old timers that were nine or older. This was Buddy’s time to shine, but unfortunately a slimmer wiener stole the spotlight. Maybe next year, big guy.
Next we had the puppy division and then the adult division II for ages five to nine. Finally, it was time for the adult division I wieners and with a little help from my mother screaming at the other end of the race course and a purple stuffed donkey, Gracie managed to finish third in her heat. Unfortunately, it was Lex the wiener who trotted across the finish line first.
Honestly, I was just happy she scampered straight to mom. Too many wieners end their racing career nose-first in their competitors rump. It would have been nice to get the cash prize at the end of the day, but we settled for our $25. The wiener who won the adult division II named Saugy Bottom Boy gave his winnings back for charity.
His owner must be so proud of her wiener. I know I am.
Tags: wiener dogs